Post #7 - FAQ's about our journey

 It's hard to believe that it's been 7 weeks that I was last on here. As for the updates,

Our home study was finalized and submitted to the Arizona court about 2.5 weeks ago! We are waiting to receive our certification in the mail. 

The certificate is basically the courts way to say we are suitable to adopt and is required by the state before going any further with an agency. 

Once we get our certification, that will allow us to start fundraising through the agency (will be providing more info on that later once we know more) as well as apply for different grants and scholarships, and ultimately be entered into the matchbook. I also still on have it on my to-do list to design and write our profile/match letter which will be needed to enter the matchbook. I have given myself by the end of the month to complete that and will share it once completed!

Our church has a foster/adopt ministry so Cody and I attended our first gathering with the group last night. We left feeling encouraged and supported. We were able to connected with another couple who we found out also adopted through the same agency we are going through about 6 years ago. God definitely put us in the right place at the right time with that group. It's a super neat ministry and I have been learning that it is unique to find such a specialized ministry within a church, at least in our area.  Wondering now if thats why God directed us to this church and kept us here these past couple years. Because only He would know what we need 💛 

For the rest of the post today I am going to do a FAQ style. If I didn't answer one of your questions just use the comment feature to ask! Here we go. 

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What’s the agency? How did you choose this agency?

The agency is Christian Family Care. We were introduced to it from one of the leaders in our church. We did not spend too much time researching different agencies. After looking this one up and talking with a couple employees, we felt comfortable and agreed with their mission and values. This actually is very unlike me not to spend hours researching, comparing, writing pros and cons lists etc., so it was a God thing to be presented with this agency and jump right in.

We are doing their infant private adoption option.
You can check out their website here


How long have you tried to get pregnant?

The first few years after marriage we were trying to avoid pregnancy so I could finish school, so once I graduated we put a heavier focus on wanting to achieve a pregnancy. So that would be 4.5 years ago, but we have been married for almost 8 so there have been plenty of opportunities :)


Have you ever been pregnant?
Nope.


Have you considered IVF or surrogacy?
Yes to IVF. No to surrogacy. With surrogacy I would do all the preliminary steps and preparation that I would with IVF we would just end up transferring the embryos into another woman's womb instead of my own. Since I have never been pregnant I guess I don't know if I could maintain a pregnancy, but from what I (and the doctors) assume is that I would be able to carry a child once implanted. Which is why we have never considered surrogacy - I would rather try to carry the child myself than someone else. We've explored IVF in our journey, having worked with two different IVF doctors on different occasions last year. No matter how hard Cody and I (mostly I, to be honest) would push for it it just wasn't coming together or making sense for us with all the information we were getting and with having so many unknowns about my health. Also, if we were going to spend thousands of dollars, we both felt compelled to spend the money towards adoption.

Do you have endometriosis or PCOS?

Nope. Neither. I have had several blood tests done. My doctor has also been able check my tissue during all my surgeries with a negative result on the biopsy.


Do you want a boy or girl?
We don't have a preference, and said we are open to boy or girl. We have more girl names picked out but would be happy with either. We figured we wouldn't have a choice if we conceived naturally so why have a choice now. Trusting God knows what is best for us.


How much does it cost?
I obviously don't know what it costs to have a child through birth. I googled it and got about 3,000 with insurance at the hospital and about $5,500 if doing home birth (which is always what I has planned for myself). So again, thats just a google search, all you who have actually experienced that would know if that's correct or not. We've been told to consider adoption like a birth without insurance with several complications and extended stay. For this agency, we are told that they are on the lower end of cost with the final total due to the agency at 29,900. We have also spent some outside of that to pay for some of the requirements they had us do outside of the agency.

Here's a breakdown if your curious.....

$150 application fee (due upon submission)
$500 education classes fee (due at class registration)
$1,750 home study fee (due at beginning of home study)
$3,000 Matching service fee (due once certified)
$24,500 Placement fee (due when child is in the home and adoption agreement is signed)


Will it be an open or closed adoption?
Our hearts are for open adoption. For those that don't know much about this concept, it does not mean co-parenting it just means that the birth family is apart of their life on the terms that we agree upon.


Who brought up the idea of adoption first?
Not sure on that one. Maybe Cody?


Have you always wanted to adopt?
No. To be honest it never was a desire of mine growing up. I have some friends that have always had that desire. It was never in my "life plan". If fact, I have had a lot of fears about it and even when we started this whole process I had a lot of questions/concerns about it. It's amazing how God can change your heart. I know He has really changed my view and perspective on it a lot this past year. Especially diving more deeper into what adoption means for Christians. How God has adopted us and we are His children! A quote from one of the books I am reading talking about this concept says adoption "has everything to do with our identity and our inheritance in Christ". I never really put much thought into it before like that until now.

If you are in Christ, you are called to love others and to care for orphans, to love as He has and become more like Him. That doesn't mean we all have to adopt - there are lots of different ways to be apart of it. But overtime, we are learning that specifically for us, this is what God is asking and calling us to do. Adoption in our world can be seen as countercultural, especially in a world where abortion may be believed as the better option. We want to be apart of the choice for life, to lessen the stigma of adoption and to love someones child as our own. Maybe women would be more inclined to place for adoption if adoption culture was more widely seen, known and accepted. I know our circumstances initially brought us to the place of pursuing adoption but with everything we have learned and immersed ourselves with its turning more from "we just want to have a child" to "we just want to love and support a child and show them God's love, not for us but for them".


What age of child will you get?
We have listed a preference for 0-6 months but can be asked to stretch our preference if if there is someone outside of that range.


Where will the child be from?
This agency only works with birth mothers/families in Arizona. So we could drive anywhere in the state to pick up the child. Side note: we put we are open to any race/ethnicity.


What will your child call their real mom/dad?
Let me tell you a little secret....If anyone ever asks us who the real parents are, the answer will be "we are!". We have been learning a lot about adoption language. People often think of biological kids as their or someone's "own" kids and adopted as not. But that type of language has a lot of negative impact. If a couple has kids through both adoption and birth all the kids are still their "own". I would never want a child to think their other sibling is more of a "real" child or that they are less than because they came into the family from adoption rather than birth. Or that their adoptive parent is less of a "real" parent to them compared to their birth sibling.

On the same topic, you might also think about the phrase "the mother is giving up their child" and start using "the mother is placing the child for adoption". The mother is in no means giving up their child, in fact they are putting the child first knowing that another family will be able to take care of them in a way she is not.

So to answer the question....the child will call their birth family either just that, birth mom/birth dad, or bio mom/bio dad, or even just mommy/daddy [insert first name].


Will you tell the child they're adopted? When?
Absolutely! We will start before they can even understand and talk. Even if the birth family doesn't want an open adoption, we want them to know their story, where they came from and how God brought them to us. Something I heard once several years back when talking to a random stranger at our hotel pool long before we ever started pursing adoption that stuck with me was, "adoption should be considered an asset, not a liability". In other words, the adoption should be a positive and valuable aspect of this individuals life rather than causing harm or risking to hurting the child when they are older.


Are you excited?
Yes, somedays a little more nervous but overall yes and getting more excited as time passes.


Do you get to pick the child you want?
Let me be the first to tell you there is no child store to go pick out your own little one! We really didn't know how it worked at first either, but through the help of the agency the birth mother gets to pick us. Which is called being matched.


How long will it take to be matched?
I wish I knew. Only God knows the answer to that. Once we are in the matchbook it could be a day or it could be years. A very vague response from the agency says generally it takes several months to a couple years of being in the matchbook.


Do you think it was worth having all those surgeries?
Well I guess I would hope so. That was a lot physically, emotionally and financially to go through. I would hate to say that it was a waste. I trust that God has reasons he brought me through those. I do know I was at a higher risk of ectopic pregnancy (which can be very life threatening) if I did conceive with the way one of my fallopian tubes was, so I am grateful that was removed to reduce the risk as well as help with pain from removing the ovarian cyst.


Are you going to do a baby shower?
I really haven't put much thought into. There is always the chance the mother changes her mind or something falls through with a placement so I would hate to have all these baby things just sitting in our home waiting for the next match. To be honest, it also just feels super strange to me to have a baby shower without actually being pregnant. Maybe doing something once the baby is in our home would be a better fit for us. These are all just thoughts as I type. Maybe we will change our mind.

Let's end it there for questions today. Happy to answer any more questions you all have as you think of them.

I am going to link two videos that are very special and ask that you check them out!

One is a recently released song from one of my favorite artists singing about our adoption in Christ. Second is a 5 min video published from BraveLove last week. It tells about Morgan's story as a birth mom.

1) Hoping you can just click play, if not, click the link

>>> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09jKFvCG2Nk

2) Morgan's story as a birth mom. Again, play the video on the page or click the link below.

>>>https://vimeo.com/878676740/cef728faaf

There are many stories on BraveLove's website. BraveLove is A pro-adoption movement dedicated to changing the perception of adoption by acknowledging birth moms for their brave decision. I have watched several videos and they all are so touching! Check out their website here

Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving next week! Thank you for all your prayers and support. If you think about it, please be praying for birth mom and baby, protection for both and that God continues to direct our paths.

 

As reminder, you can sign up to be notified when I post here. You are also welcome to share the blog with others, the website is thekymansadopt.blogspot.com

Much love 🧡🧡🧡