Updates + More of the Journey

Hello, Hello! It's good to be back.

First the updates, because really thats what ya'll are here for!

✔ We had our home inspection last week, easy peasy. But surprise to us, we did not realize it was also combined with a last meeting with more questions and more signing! But we are getting to be pros at that by now 🤣 I asked to take a selfie with Diana (our adoption specialist) to have as a memento to getting all the requirements and meetings done and over, she politely agreed. She also said a prayer for us. 

What’s next?

→ Diana will complete the home study write up (the 15-20 page report about us to send to court) 

→ Home study will be sent to court for approval 

→ We get our certification in that mail that says we are approved for adoption in the state of Arizona 

In the meantime I will be putting together a match letter/profile for the birth mother to look at 

Once we are certified, we will start fundraising and applying for grants. At this time, we have decided not to be entered into the matchbook (which allows us to be eligible to be picked as an adoptive family) until we have the funds to do so.

We are so excited that things are moving along and a lot of the “to do's” are crossed off. We know there are so many people who are also so excited with us and feel like we are almost there. But for me I still feel like there is a long wait ahead.

⏰ Waiting to be certified

⏰ Waiting to fundraise 

⏰ Waiting to be matched  

⏰ Waiting for the child to be born 

⏰ Waiting for the adoption to be finalized 

But we are learning to enjoy the wait and cherish this time together 💕

You're all caught up on the status for now. We are anticipating to be certificated by the end of the year and start working on the other steps in 2024. Um, which is only 3 months away. Crazy! But that's just our guess. We will keep you posted of course. In the meantime, Diana will check in with us every 6 months along the way.

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We left off last time talking about our medical journey thus far. I thought today I’d go into the emotional journey. I’ve had this typed up for sometime now. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to hit the “publish” button on this one and lay it all out there.

Oftentimes people don’t find out about their infertility until months or years of trying. In our case it wasn’t that we “found out” or “discovered” we couldn’t get pregnant, but were told before we were even trying that it’s going to be a problem, that I won’t be able to conceive. I find this to be both a blessing and a burden.  A blessing in that we didn’t have to spend years trying and wondering what was wrong. But also a burden because I felt like I was doomed from the beginning. Like I didn’t even have a chance from the start. 

Infertility, miscarriage, whatever pregnancy challenge it is, is not for the faint of heart. I can’t speak to the latter two but from personally enduring infertility I can say it seems like a never ending battle. Something that constantly fills your thoughts and mind. Something that you’re reminded or triggered about daily in society. People can be insensitive, people can be naive, people may even be trying to be mindful of your circumstance but they can still say the wrong things. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of people who are very caring and supportive but out of those people only very few actually get it. No matter what phase of life you’re in, or circumstances you find yourself in, I would argue that finding friends, at least one, who can specifically relate, makes a huge difference. And sometimes finding those people can be very challenging. That’s where books came in handy for me! SO, side note…for anyone suffering alone, you NEED to find support. Whether that’s in friendships, support groups, or books. Don’t do it alone!

Anyways, back to it. 

I don’t want this to sound like, “oh poor me” story time. I just want to give you an insight into what I feel, hear and see through this lense of infertility.

When you introduce yourself to people or in a group, it’s usually the first thing that gets bought up. “Hi I’m so-in-so, I’m married, have 3 kids, work here, live here, etc”.  I feel like I have to say “Hi I’m Danielle, I’m married, I’m not a mom but I have pets?!” Can we all just start introducing ourselves with our favorite food and color please!  Hi I’m Danielle, I love tacos and the color blue. See how easy that is 🤣 Even for those unmarried, this can feel like such a sting. Why do we always start off with our relationship status and # of kids? Who came up with this, I want to have a talk with them!  I’m sure they were both married and a mother or father. Okay, enough of that. Besides the dreaded introductions, there are baby showers, birthdays, vacations, pregnancy announcements, mothers day, Christmas, and just feeling like you can’t relate to most of the friends around you. 

We love going places but we both comment on how we wish we had a child to share our experiences with. I hear the kids after the end of the rides at Disney World saying to their mom and dad, “Mom/Dad! That was the best ride EVER, let’s do it again!” or the little girl sitting at the table across from us having a breakfast date with her mom randomly blurting out, “Mom, I love you” at the table. Part of me is so deeply crushed inside thinking I’ll never get to experience that. Mothers Day becomes “I’m not a mother” day. Christmas is hard. Cody and I open up a few presents at home. Done. I want to experience the Christmas mornings and see my kids who can hardly contain themselves open the gifts and play with them. To just see that excitement and joy.  Birthdays, especially a child's first birthday, are hard. Another reminder of that deep sense of loss that I won’t be able to experience such a wonderful milestone with my own child one day. 

Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying please don’t invite me to these things, or walk on eggshells around me cause you don’t know how I will feel. I do want to participate, I do love getting to be a part of your lives. You don’t need to feel bad for what you have. Just know I have to work harder on showing up, on smiling, on not letting the emotions take over, and to be present. I can say that some of these experiences have gotten less triggering than before, but it’s all a work in progress. And just like anyone who has suffered loss, those triggers can appear and sneak attack you at any moment, even if you think you’ve moved past it. So rude and unkind of them might I add!

Over these years I have listened to the constant lies that told me….

✖ I am broken 

✖ I can’t do the one thing God created me for 

✖ My husband should have married someone else, someone that can give him children 

✖ There’s something wrong with me 

✖ I don’t have value as a woman 

✖ If God only gives you what you can handle, I must not be able to handle being a mom 

✖ I don’t have purpose 

✖ I’m alone 

Sounds depressing doesn’t it? But that’s the raw truth. These constant repeating lies have been soul crushing to me. There have been a lot of tears. A lot of frustration. A lot of pain. A lot of self condemnation. A lot of grief. A lot of hopelessness. 

But let me tell you what. JESUS! He is real and He has shown me He is there with outstretched hands to take the burden and make all things beautiful.

There are times I will still sink back into some of those lies but I can honestly say they don’t have the strong grip on me that they used to. Even as I re-read this from when I typed it up a couple months ago, these lies are getting smaller and smaller with less weight to them. I know it’s easy to think that because bad things happen there must not be a god, or if there is, he must be an evil god. I am here to tell you that even though life can be so painful, there IS a hope and a confidence that there is a purpose! One phrase that I have repeated over and over these past years is, “It’s not supposed to be this way”. Like, “God, hello? Didn’t you get the memo? Don’t you know you messed up? Why aren’t you fixing me?"

Around April 2022 it got real for me and my mental health started to go downhill. By November of that year, I was in a very rough spot and it continued to get darker and darker until about 6 months ago.  In my darkest moments I felt like giving up on my faith, I felt like nothing mattered, I felt like I was never going to have purpose or meaning. Even worse, I felt like I would never make it through and wanted to give up. This might sound all dramatic to you. I mean some people go through much worse experiences and really infertility is not that big of a deal compared to something else, right? I don’t care how big or little something seems, when you are in the middle of it, and feel so alone, so hopeless I don’t think it matters what the “experience” is. It just sucks. You feel like the waves keep crashing and it all starts to feel so personal like each wave is coming at you with personal intent to knock you out. At one point it seemed like anywhere I went I couldn't escape from it, and I started to get angry and bitter. 

I would roll my eyes, internally of course, when someone said they would pray or are praying for me. I grudgingly went to church, stopped reading my bible, stopped praying, basically told God I’m done. One day I forced myself to go to a bible study at my church called “missing pieces”. Even though I was so over the God thing, somewhere in my heart I still knew that I couldn’t run away from Him, or better yet that He wouldn’t run away from me. The title grabbed my heart. It was a painful study at times over the 6-8 weeks but I kept showing up. Somewhere along the way the author’s words started to really sink in deep. Through her own personal medical journey, although not infertility but blindness, she showed her questioning, her deep struggles, her longing to be healed, her confusion and walked through how to get through it and how to find hope when life doesn’t make sense. How to find Jesus and know what His character really is. Because it was starting to feel like He was not so nice, and quite honestly like He forgot about me. 

The key truths that really stood out during this study were: 

⭐ I can’t receive gifts from God if I hold my hands in fists of anger - you can only receive with open hands  

⭐ I need to receive the compassion of God rather than be consumed by the hurt 

⭐ You can only cling to Jesus when you aren’t clinging to your sorrows 

⭐ You can’t rest if your resisting 

⭐ Even if it doesn’t feel like God hears or is here, I can trust that He is because His word promises that

⭐ It’s not about what we think we deserve 

⭐ God does have a purpose and it’s okay that I can’t see it or understand all of it right now, because I can trust that He is working all things out. 

I would encourage you to re-read those again. Nice and slowly, and really let those truth bombs sink in. ↑↑↑

Getting to the darkest place allowed me to see and know God in a deeper true and personal way. I know that sounds so corny and cliche, but it’s the truth. Even if I didn’t want God and at times continued to be angry at Him, He pursued me and didn’t leave me. Through the authors words and looking at what the bible actually says, I got to know Jesus and see God as a loving Father. Even though I still have tough days and the pain is still there, I can feel the burden lifting. Something has changed in my heart recently that is learning to take the bittered “It’s NOT supposed to be this way” attitude to a hopeful, confident  “It IS supposed to be this way.” mindset. 

I am who God created me to be. I am not broken. I do have a purpose. He has a plan 

This doesn’t mean I won’t have questions, or things are going to be easy from here on out. But it does mean I have learned how to see God as a kind, loving, gentle Father who I can trust and who I can bring my burdens too so He can carry them for me, because dear friends, I am telling you the load in this life is just too heavy. We are not made to do it alone. 

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A couple weeks ago I went to a women’s conference in Phoenix. I knew Jennifer Rothschild, the author of the Missing Pieces study, was going to be teaching one of the sessions. But what I didn’t know was that she was going to be out in the lobby meeting ladies and signing books after the first night. At first I was thinking,”okay, that might be cool but we don’t have to stay for that”. But then something in me went fan girl crazy and I was like 3rd in line to meet her and have her sign a book that I had just bought so I had something for her to sign!

What is now probably one of my favorite memories goes like this. I got to meet her and thank her. Through tears I got to tell her, “Thank you so much for writing the missing pieces study. My missing piece is infertility and I came to a point where I was going to break up with God because of it. My husband and I are trying to adopt now and I don’t think I would be where I am now if it wasn’t for your book and being able to move past all the hurt, so thank you for all you’ve done and your dedication to be obedient to God’s calling by writing”. I gave her a big hug and got a picture with her and drove home thinking "Wow! What a cool night!" I had no idea that was ever going to happen, no intention of it or had ever thought about meeting her. But I continue to look back and am amazed at how God organized that evening and keeps moving me along the path of healing. Somehow that experience was healing for me and I didn’t even know I wanted or needed it. But God did. Something about that night and that experience helped stitch up some of my wounds and prepare my heart for things to come. 

With God there is always a meanwhile. Whether we see it or not, the story continues and God is in the background doing things. Sometimes he gives us glimpses, but the hard part is knowing we won’t be able to see all that he is doing until Heaven. There will always be unanswered questions, there will always be unknowns but I’m here for it because I trust a God that is greater than my fears. Do you? 

Let's end there for today. As always, thanks for reading and for those that were there in the deepest struggle thanks for listening and walking besides us.
                       

Picture with Jennifer Rothschild

Up next.....

I will post some of my most frequently asked questions and share some BraveLove videos.  If you have any questions you want me to answer in the next post, please let me know in the comment section at the end of the blog. If you’re reading on your phone through the email, you will need to head to the actual blog site to comment. Just click the title in the email and it will direct you to the blog site and the comment box will be at the bottom of this post.

Happy Sunday!

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