A look at the past

Before I start I just wanted to clarify that if you’re having a hard time accessing the post through the emails, I changed the setting so it should show the whole post in the email now and not just the heading. Or, if you click on the heading in the email it is supposed to take you directly to the post on my blog if you like reading it there better. I believe there is also a “read more here” link at the end of the email. If you have trouble just text me or reach out. I want this to be easy and user friendly for everyone. 

To be honest, I have kind of dreaded writing this post. I don’t love to sit and dwell on past or current experiences that remind me of my inability to conceive. Some of you may know all this, and for others this might be all new info. Heads up it will probably be long, so if you need to pause at some point and finish later that is quite all right. 

  

Lets Jump Right In 

We first discovered there was a potential issue in 2019. I had no idea there was an issue and in fact, was on birth control trying to avoid pregnancy until I graduated from physical therapy school. Little did I know, I was my own birth control and didn’t need to be taking those pills for the last few years! Yes, you can laugh at that! I’ve learned you have to have a sense of humor to make it through the tough times 😄   

Back to the story. I started going to this OBGYN that was recommended to me (totally a God thing, another story for another time) because they offered natural family planning classes. I never liked the idea of being on birth control and started to learn about all the ways it negatively impacts the female body/brain. So I went to this office to take the classes to learn about the “Creighton Method” for tracking your cycles and being successful in naturally avoiding or achieving a pregnancy.  

The instructor doing the class noticed my charting (of my cycles) looked funky. I was having a period each month but the charts did not look pretty. They should look very systematic and orderly showing the different phases of the cycle but mine was messy to say the least. She recommended I see one of their providers to get checked out. I was also having pain and discomfort in my lower abdomen during sex which raised a concern. I had a few visits and ultrasounds that showed a very large cyst which seemed to be causing some issues so she recommended surgery. 

(Nervously waiting to go back for 1st surgery) 

First Surgery 

I went in for surgery Oct 2019 but the Dr. wasn’t able to complete the operation because they had some complications. She discovered layers and layers of scar tissue in my abdomen which prevented her from getting the instruments into my pelvic region to explore and remove the cyst. 

Side note: For this type of surgery they make incisions in the abdomen, a couple inches above the belly button, one on either side to create “ports” for their instruments so they can maneuver them into the pelvis where they need to access. 

She was not expecting to have this issue (not being able to see/access anything) so they had to close me up and reschedule for another time to re-operate with a general surgeon who could remove the layers of excess scar tissue first. 

Another side note: I was born with a twisted/blocked intestine so right after  birth I was rushed to the nearest hospital via helicopter to have emergency surgery. I have had no issues since that surgery and even at times forget it's part of my medical history. SO, we (doctors and myself) came to the conclusion that my body basically “over healed" and created layers and layers of scar tissue after that surgery as a newborn.

   

Second Surgery 

So now it’s two months later, December of 2019, I am headed back a second time with a general surgeon to “clean up” my abdomen which will then allow my OBGYN to get into the space she needs. Was told it should only be a few hours. It ended up being 8! Cody said it was a stressful 8 hours. Was also told that the general surgeon spent way longer than anticipated to do his part. That my bowels were adhered to my abdominal wall, to each other and to my reproductive organs.  That there was layer after layer they had to cut and clear out to “see” anything.

Once the OBGYN was able to start, she also had her work cut out for her. I was told that she spent hours trying to put my reproductive organs “back into anatomical position”. When she first got into my pelvis she didn’t know what was what. What should be a very obvious uterus, 2 ovaries, 2 fallopian tubes was a jumbled ball of a mess. She had to very carefully dissect and clear away each reproductive organ from each other and then remove the ovarian cyst. When in recovery she let me know she wasn’t able to identify if one of my tubes was fully open or functioning, and that one of my ovaries didn’t look very healthy.  At that point she said based on what she saw, she expects that I would have trouble conceiving and she would like to follow up closely with me on that. Unfortunately she was right.  

After surgery I had several visits and ultrasounds with her which determined I was not releasing eggs during ovulation but instead was creating a cyst each time which would shrink back down after my time of ovulation. This began to explain the recurring pain with sex that did not resolve after she removed the other permanent cyst . So from here I spent all of 2020 going into her office frequently, with several medication changes, several ultrasounds, and no progress. At the end of the year she recommended we go in for surgery again (which would be #3) so she can continue to “clean up” my reproductive organs. This time she would block out a full day so she could be more detailed in the operation since she knows what she is up against. She was going to use a robotic device this time for extra precision. 

Round 3, I got this! 

Third and Fourth Surgery 

It's now Jan 2021 and the plan this time around is to do two surgeries, two weeks apart, to try a different method. So here I was, back again for the 3rd surgery a year later. After surgery she basically tells me that when she looked into my pelvis, everything went back to how it was originally, and that she could barely tell she separated and cleaned up everything a year ago. She cleaned me up again, made everything look so nice and pretty then basically stitched and wrapped all my organs individually with this material so that it could heal independently of each other. Oh yes, also forgot to mention it was during this surgery she decided (with my consent beforehand of course) that it was best to remove my right tube because it was very damaged and if left in place would be a huge risk factor for ectopic pregnancy. She also mentioned she could not work on the left ovary as much as she wanted because she didn’t want to risk jeopardizing the ovary. If she damaged the blood supply, I would have no chance of a functioning ovary on that side, so she wanted to be more on the conservative side for that one. The right ovary was looking good and the left fallopian tube was looking good at the end of this surgery. 

I went home rested for two weeks (besides planning and throwing Cody's 30th b-day party, which was probably not the smartest decision I made considering I could hardly stand or walk at times).  Then went back in for round two at the end of Jan 2022 which was now the 4th surgery. This time was going to be quick and easy. She just needed to remove the stitching and wrapping she did. She said that everything looked a “little inflamed and angry” but that all the organs healed in their own place this time and she had high hopes that everything should continue to heal well and function properly. 

However, all her hard work didn’t seem to do much and we continued to spend all of 2021 working on different treatment plans. This time adding in self giving hormone injections and constant blood work. I would venture to say I had 1-3 visits a week between her office and the lab during this time plus the injections I would do at home. 

The Year of 2022

By 2022 I was exhausted, we had spent so much money on 4 surgeries, time and energy into all the visits and treatment plans, and there was still no hope. The injection medication became unavailable and we decided to not elect to be on Cody’s insurance from work because they were offering such terrible plans with a ridiculous monthly premium. We changed to a christian medical sharing program. They were very clear that they don’t cover any pre-existing conditions for the first two years from when you join.  So we decided it was time to take a break, focus on other things and let my body get back to “normal”. Recovering after each surgery was rough and I really do think all the medications and appointments were taking a toll on my physical and mental health. 

In fall of 2022, we started to pursue IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). We had an evaluation and a few follow up visits with one of the top doctors in the area who was personally recommended by couples we new had previous success. Started some medications again and followed along his treatment plan but things just didn’t feel right. All in all we had a bad experience and felt that we should get a second opinion. So we met with another very highly recommended doctor. We had a better experience overall but after doing some blood work felt very pressured to hurry up and start the treatments for IVF. Basically my blood work showed low ovarian reserve, low chance of success rate, low birth rate, etc.  AND after discussing my past medical history, the doctor felt that I would be placed at high risk with a chance that doing the treatment could be problematic for me. BUT after saying all that thought I should still give it a go and start right away. The pressure to start, the fact that Cody and I were unsure what could happen to me or our potential child, the finances, plus everything we started to learn about IVF left an unsettling feeling and we both couldn’t go forward with it. I never scheduled the next step at that office and no one ever reached out, so that was that. 

2023 Brings New Beginnings 

Early on this year we started to talk more about the option of adoption. Ironically at the very beginning of all this we had both mentioned it briefly, and kinda loosely said let’s do what we can to try to get pregnant but if in three years nothing has worked let’s talk about adoption. And here we are. It was never our first option but an option. We didn’t intend for things to get going so quickly with it but it just seemed to keep heading in that directly naturally. Some may say “it was just a coincidence” or that “it just happened” but I say “it was God's doing”. Everything medical has always been a problem. Always some sort of complication, always having to work super hard at it, always terrible timing, things never seems to go right, always stressful. In the Christian circles you’ll hear the words “God closes doors and opens doors”. At times not only did I feel like the door was always closing, but it was slamming shut and I would run right into it. But since we have started to go more in the direction of adoption it just seems to be going smoother and working out so naturally, or should I say, divinely. 

Before I go I can't end without giving the LOUDEST shout out to my amazing husband. He has been there every step of the way. Taking such good care of me after the surgeries, attending the appointments he could, encouraging me I can do the shots, crying with me, listening to me, and reminding me of the truth. He didn't choose this life, but he chose me and is so graciously loving me through it and making me smile along the way.

I better stop there. I have another few pages already typed up transitioning from the matter of fact medical talk to the emotional battle. But I’m thinking that I shouldn’t overload ya’ll in one sitting. 

I’ll be back soon. 

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end.

Ps. We have the long awaited final interviews this week 🤞

🧡🧡🧡